Shen’s Scribbles and Thoughts

I Am Hurt and Tired

Written on December 21, 2007 – 7:01 pm | by shenbrood

I can say that I am fulfilled in my life and I take each day one at a time but what if those people around you keep on pushing you and make you feel that you are just a very bad and inept person?  Each day I am like in a battlefield.. a battle with relationships which I am not so good at.

 I remember when Michael Flores and I when we talked about my problems, he simply asked me about what do I really like to do in life.  And I told him that it is to make a difference and then he said that one of the things that I should consider is if relationships are helping me achieve this or not.

When you are in a relationship you have to consider many things.  You always have to consider the feeling of the other person.  It was funny though that most of the time people will hurt you where in the return you cannot even hurt them.  In my case I may have done actions that can be considered as unfaithfulness but maybe this is due to the fact that I am not contented with relationships… I am weak when it comes to this.  I want to do many things that most of the time people cannot understand.

Since my childhood I was hurt and as my life passes by I am continuously being hurt.  Did I made I U-Turn in my life?  Yes, I did several times.  I have surpassed my temperamental attitude to a great extent.  I had been more friendly and less shy.  I have learned not to be “ningas kugon”.  I have learned to take it easy and take one day at a time… I learn to love myself more or so I though that is what I think I believe.

Being the main figure of BROOD is also hard for me.  I do not have to falter… I have to be strong and continue what the organization had started.  Despite bombardments of many problems I have to remain strong.  But what others do not know is that I find it very difficult to continue as life is really so hard this times.  I have 3 kids to think about and as I think about it I am still trying to make a difference… to care about others… my country… and its people.

I wish that all could be simpler.  That all I could think of is just a few people and myself.  That I could just accept working and going home as an acceptable thing.  Being principled is also very difficult… I just hope I can just accept anything.

I am getting tired of relationships… of having to explain everything and one day I might just do it away in my life… I could love in a different level… a higher level that just the selfishness of two people in love.

Tags: inner feelings, love, serving others